so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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