awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
