I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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