i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
