He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
