If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
