someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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