he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
