States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
