Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
