I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
