I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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