I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
