things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The best revenge is premature balding
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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