woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
