so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
