ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
