3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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