Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
