i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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