This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
