don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
