I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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