you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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