i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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