so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
