it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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