sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
