What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
