im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
