I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
