I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
