the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
