i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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