U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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