Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
