cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
