a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
