Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
