I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
