Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize