I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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