Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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