he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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