this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
