i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
