Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
