just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
