how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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