I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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