I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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