he shaved USA in his pubs
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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