He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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