Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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