totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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