i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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