So drunk its hurt
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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