I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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